Saved by an SMS

30 July 2002

Last night at Tim's house, for the first time, we went physically too far, out of control. Not sex really, because we both had all our clothes on, but it felt very good! Tim still didn't touch me where he may not, but we were still very aroused! Foreplay, I know. Aunty Rhona sent an sms 12:30 at night! Just to hear how we were doing. It helped Tim to ask me to say stop! He had to ask three times before I said stop! I'm kinda disappointed in myself but it was too good to regret it.

Now Tim and I have made new boundaries: no kissing on the tummy. (Which was - I may not say divine - fantastic!) Tim said we got a warning; we don't want to step on a landmine. Now we put up red tape to guard against it happening again: don't visit alone at home. His parents once said to him that if we find it too hard, we should rather get married sooner. Shockingly, I don't feel guilty. Just kind of surprised and dreamy.

Tim says he feels tenderly towards me. He wants to treat me like a lady. My body was shaking after. Why I would wait until marriage to have sex is because I want to prove something. I want to be able to say, I waited. I want to wear a white dress honestly. And most of all, I don't want to steal from our marriage.
Lord, please help!

End of Part One

Find out if we made it to the wedding night in Part Two of Book of Romance. Available soon as E-book.

7 Months Dating Anniversary

8 July 2002

7 Months today! Yay!
And O, I love him so dearly! I wish I could buy him a nice present. Lord, please give me money, lots, one day so I can buy the greatest gifts for the people I love.

Tonight I remembered something that I don't think I have recorded in this book. Tim knows I like swinging and on two occasions, he took me to a park and pushed me on a swing. He is very romantic. I know things have happened that I have nor recorded. I've written less and less; maybe because it's almost the end of the book and I need another one. I don't know when I'll get a new book so I write little. But I want to keep recording because it's special.

We even talk about sex!

30 June 2002

Timothy has got an excellent memory concerning what people have said. He can quote my sentences back to me and I can't even recall saying that! But he is not good with dates. So I'm glad I'm keeping track of our dates in this book :)

Tonight, Pastor Nevil Nordan seemed to caution us to wait for the right time to marry. Tim seemed to dismiss it, but I heard. (sigh) Lord, please give me the patience to wait.

Tim and I have the greatest conversations. We even talk about sex! It's great to have a best friend with whom I can laugh and learn and talk about anything.

Pray for your relationship

26 June 2002

Tim and I are really maturing in our relationship. It is such an awesome journey! Growing and learning in love.

I spent lots of time with Tim yesterday after he came back from P.E. He was so loving- telling me how much he missed me and loves me; showering me with hugs, kisses and compliments. He has got a beautiful way with words and my heart overflowed as he told me how beautiful he thinks I am. He loves my cheeks, hair, dimples, teeth, eyes, hands, nails, feet, tongue, toes... I was laughing with joy. What a great relationship! Thank you Lord!

We can talk seriously, joke, laugh, chat, discuss, kiss, wink, tease, question, wonder, embrace, touch.
Bless God!

Lord, please may we always love You more and may our love, affection and respect grow for each other. Hold us in the palm of Your hand. In Your name, Amen

Relax and wait

9 June 2002

I love Tim so much!


10 June 2002

Tim brought me my study stuff that I forgot at his house. I asked him how long does he plan to live alone in his house once he has moved in. He said that as long as he wanted to stay single. Until he has a constant desire to get married, we can't. But he said, we are meant for each other. Of course, it's so true. Why can guys be so calm and relaxed? Because it's a fact: We love each other and we will one day get married. Sloosh. No more worrying or anxiety. Just stable peace.

Thank God for Tim, his wisdom and his love. He left me a note in my file. :) I really needed to hear that!

Lord, help me to relax and once again, teach me to WAIT.

SMS from Tim:

20 May 2002

'Ek wou net vra of ek by jou kan kuier vandag.

ek wil graag by jou wees

al is dit net vir 'n rukkie.'

'Jy mag maar 'n soentjie per sms stuur

dit sal my nie aansteek nie :)

ek het gister gedink ek kan ook siek word

maar dit het my nie regtig gepla of gestop nie @'

31 May 2002

'More Janet, ek dink nie dit gaan 'n wyse

ding wees as jy hier slaap vanaand nie

ons kan die hele dag kuier.

Ek hoop jy verstaan. 

Ek wil net nie met vuur begin speel nie.'

'Liefie, ek mis jou 

en ek is baie lief vir jou.'

Six-month Dating Anniversary

8 June 2002

Well, today was wonderful. It is our 6 month anniversary! We had a picnic with my family. It was great! Tim played ball with the boys and we went for a walk through the Botanical Gardens. I laughed a lot because I'm so happy!

Then tonight, I cooked Chinese and we sat in my flat with candle light and ate with chopsticks. It was lots of fun. Tim even asked if I wanted to dance and we just held each other. Very romantic! Very special.

We kissed a lot too. Too much I think, I don't know, it's fine. We had talked and chatted and laughed a lot today and we didn't do anything wrong but the kissing so much seems pointless. Some kisses are nice but not all the time. But I like the attention and love I get from Tim. So, I don't say anything, but knowing him, he would want me to tell him to stop. What's the matter with me? For me, kissing is like coffee. Nice while I'm drinking it, but a bitter aftertaste and I get a headache worrying about it.

[ Note from present-day Janet: When one restricts oneself and feels one is not allowed to do a certain thing, one can try doing it but will not enjoy it. It works the same in marriage. If the husband or wife is concerned that they are sinning, they will pull back emotionally and hinder pleasure. Many women, although married still feel that sex is sinful and dirty and so struggle to allow themselves pleasure. It is a mind-set that is difficult to break but is possible by talking with your partner, reading good books including Song of Songs, so that one can give yourself permission to enjoy sex as God intended!]

Surprise Surprise!

30 May 2002

Well, Tim was away in Welkom for the weekend and we missed each other extremely. But before that, I must write that last week Friday (24th), Tim arrived at my house surprising me with a bunch of flowers! My babe, just arrived to tell me he loves me, he misses me, he is miserable without me and good luck for my exam the next day. He melted my heart!

I was so excited! Wow, I love surprises and Tim! It means the world to me! He looked so loveable standing there. Dad said I had a visitor and it flashed through my mind that it might be him, but I was shocked to see him with beautiful flowers (nice touch!). dad asked, "Is it nice to be loved?" An O, I feel loved; so very loved by such a wonderful brilliant guy!

So I have to show him that I love him too. So guess what I do...
I wait for him to get back from Welkom until 12pm at his house. He was thouroughly surprised! He loved it! He just held me. I'm so glad that I could surprise him back! It's a good thing that I did because I think he was wondering how I felt about him. Well, now he can see: I adore him!

Tonight, we had quite a make-out session. Sheesh, I wanted him bad! It was mostly my fault. I've been feeling emotionally empty and while kissing him and needing him to hold me, it dawned on me that I was looking for my emotional cup to be filled up. And the physical love was helping but I know that only God's infilling can truly fill/satisfy my need.

It was nice though; of course it was nice! The girl coming on to the guy like I did. Freakazoid! Keren phoned just in time to invite me to go back to Menlyn. By 'just in time', I don't mean we would have slept together, but Tim and I are getting quite fired up!

Please Lord... what must I pray? That God would guard us, watch over us and keep us from evil? For the love of God, we can't mess up! I don't think we will. Of course not! I could never!
But if I can think/imagine it...

Stunning time together!

20 May 2002

Wow, wow, wow! :) Friday night and Sunday night with Timothy was absolutely stunning! We had the most excellent talks. Friday night, I reassured Tim that I love him only and Sunday night, he said the most stunning things to me. We talked openly and honestly. We laughed a lot and then kissed majorly! Dit was baie lekker!

He said that he would ask me to marry him! I am so in love with this man!

We talked about how I view his ministry. I even said: "I know it's going to be very big!" But he really desires for me and needs me to view it as big now! Otherwise I will pull him down to where I see his ministry instead of supporting him and encouraging him higher. This revelation quite upset me because I so badly want to be his biggest supporter! I will from now on!

Also, we discussed the different churches Doxa Deo and Lewende Woord. Funny how I prefer Doxa and Tim prefers Lewende Woord. Same as mom and dad! But we don't want to end up going to different churches. So I have agreed to go with him to Lewende Woord, although I'll miss Doxa a lot!

He told me that over the last few days, his love and desire for me has really grown. He can't stand to be away from me for too long! This means the world to me. I love hearing that!
We just have to work on our self-control. I'm not ready for sex but I think about it a lot and so does he. And that's the first step towards doing it. We said that our love for God keeps us from going all the way.
I hope we love God enough!

I am his helper

16 May 2002

Tonight I went with Tim to Dr Malan Hoërskool. He preached hilariously and the Holy Spirit came down. Afterwards, he invited people to come forward for prayer. I asked if I could help and he asked me to agree with him in prayer and lay hands on the girls. It was awesome! I was supporting him and being his helper and ministering alongside him. Thank you Lord!

On the way back in the car, he asked about a RING! I told him that it would be special if he picked one for me that he knows I'll like, because he asked if we should pick one out together. :) So at some stage, I will describe to him what I like.

sms from Tim:

"Liefie, eks terug in die bed,

wens jy was hier :o

lief vir jou"

Love is blind

12 May 2002

Timothy and I have had some special times this week. Closeness and snugness in our relationship that's very nice.

Just today, I've had people point out some weaknesses or things he will need to work on. Dad says he has some arrogance and does not give him the proper respect. Keren confirmed this and I realized this is true. He is a bit spoilt, can be snobbish, arrogant and blasé. Does not give other people (adults, friends, even parents) the respect they deserve.

Please Father, as you are working in me, work also in Tim. Lead and guide me to speak out when I should, or perhaps You will show him without my help?

I still love him stax!

                                         **************************************

Tim has been invaluable to me concerning my car breaking down. He showed me that it was a lesson in finances that I had to go through and learn quickly. He has been emotionally supportive and understanding yet strict to point out my wrong motives and attitudes. :)

I appreaciate him!

Love is Lekker!

6 May 2002

Wow! Tonight Tim and I had such a wonderful time! No fighting or disagreeing. Just nice chatting and relaxing together. It was wonderful! O Lord, thank you so much! What a man you have given me! We talked and talked.
I love him dearly.

SMS from Tim:

Liefie, gaan dit goed?

My studies hou my langer op as wat ek gehoop het.

Jy moet jou aand geniet en ek is

lief vir jou baie

11 April 2002

Hi baby. dink aan jou. 

Sterkte met more se eksamen.

Ek sal more baie liefde na jou 

kant toe stuur @

24 April 2002

Skat! My aand was great!

Niks slegte goed :-)

Ons verhouding is so pure soos

kan kom. Dit is so goed dat as ons nie keer nie

gaan dit net BETER

27 April 2002

Janet, ek mis jou met alles wat in my is.

Elke sekond wat verby gaan val ek

net meer in die oneindigheid van

perfekte liefde vir jou.

Vis! Ek like jou!

The Puzzle Process

4 May 2002

Timothy and I had a good chat last night. Communication is very important to Tim. He wants me to speak what's on my mind. The thing is, I often get offended, defensive and upset by what he says. We've had a number of disagreements lately and it's mainly because I'm so sensitive. God showed me that I must remember that Tim is on my side and doesn't intend to hurt me. I can't ask him to watch what he says because that would cut off his tongue, and for him, that's the dooming of our relationship. So I said sorry. I think he said sorry. And we'll remain the open candid people that we are.

The differences between me and Tim startled me yesterday. We're like chalk and cheese. His taste is so opposite to mine that if I find we have a similarity, I want to throw a party! God, are you sure we are meant for each other? Tim is convinced we were made for each other. And last night, I told him that I had peace that we should get married. But all the while, I'm thinking Eeeeeeek! We are in for hard work because we are so different. Talking through all our differences is going to take long!

Lord, why didn't you plan for someone that at least likes the same programmes as me? But I love him and he's your guy. Please Lord, can you make it easy for us to get along, now and always.

Then God reminded me about our puzzle process. Totally opposite and different pieces, yet fit perfectly together with God being the common thread! Praise God!

Well-balanced relationship

24 April 2002

Last night, I went to visit Timothy. We kissed a lot. It was so nice! He said he like my top (the three-quarter blue one) and I liked his black top! But it was like we couldn't get enough of one another (sigh). Tim shared personal info with me and appreciate it. He also said that I'm the only girl for him! He's not interested in any other.

This is such a nice time in my life! Our relationship is still pure - we might have gotten quite excited and turned on big time last night, but other nights we don't kiss at all, we just talk all the time. It's a well-balanced relationship.

Last night, and romantic times like it, keeps the fire burning and the sparks flying. Tim said that he loves me with Agape love and is trying his best to let me know that he respects me a lot and thinks pure things of me. I know this is true, but it's also nice to know that 'I do it for him'. :)

I will follow him

21 April 2002

Tonight, I went with Tim to Meyerton NG church. He preached. It was great! He is excellent - a natural preacher - or should I say, anointed by God to preach! It was so nice to sit alone in the pew and have him stand up there; look at me every now and again. I could do that - support him - for the rest of my life! O Lord, please say I will! And the trip in the car: there is no one I would rather spend hours in the car with than Timothy Kieswetter! He wanted to talk to me!

It's not nice when he has to drop me off and go home and then plays games with his sister. I'm jealous of her just because she gets to be with Tim so much. And, it's wrong of course. Hopefully, I'll get to spend the rest of my days with him, but it's still not nice now :( Sorry Justine for being jealous.

Tim reminds me that there's lots of time for playing... one day! :) He knows. He is calm and patient.
I must be too.

I messed up

20 April 2002

I messed up last night. I went to a dumb karioke party and danced with a sex-obsessed guy. In my defence: I went to the party to spend time with a friend and give Tim some space. I didn't intend to dance with the oke, he didn't ask, he just grabbed me. (I'd had half a glass of wine. So what?)

It hurt Tim. I told him immediately. We talked it through and in the end, it has benefited our relationship. He has realized how much he loves me and is jealous. I'm glad of this. But as Tim suspected tonight, I'm mad at myself. How little self respect must I have to let/allow a drunk perv to pull me close to him? I'm disgusted and ashamed of myself.

He just doesn't get it! I feel so upset! Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But the fact remains. So what if he is right and I'm wrong. It's the truth, I still feel upset and hurt so what has he actually accomplished? So he is direct and honest but I need him to be gentle too. I have to learn to be direct. He has to learn to be soft.

Seems to me, us girls are just too needy of acceptance, affirmation and love. But we, I, should be getting it from God!

Tim is right: I need to accept critique. I told him about the sandwich technique. We renamed it the Spur hamburger technique: Say something positive and/or encouraging. (That's the top bun.) Then give the small constructive criticism. (That's the meat patty.) Then say another positive affirmation. (The final bun.) One can accept criticism better when its coated in 'buns' like that.

He said he'll work on it.
I feel better now.

Firsts

10 April 2002

First time he came to my house, came to meet the family: Tuesday  25 October. I sent him an sms before he arrived to reassure him and help him relax.

First time he asked me out: A Monday night in an e-mail, 2 weeks after we met. I said no.

First time we held hands... too soon. It was awkward.

But the second time he asked me out was the 8th December, I said yes and we held hands. I couldn't stop laughing and giggling. It was great! Tim said hands have many nerves and that we could try all the ways of holding hands. It felt good and comfortable.

First time we kissed was also that night. In front of m front door. He asked. I'm glad. It went fine. the second kiss a few moments later wasbetter :)

The first time he took my hand and kissed the back of it, I think was in the movies. Our first movie together as a couple... what was it? Monsters Inc.
Chills ran through me (and not because of the movie!) Good grief, it was nice! Now we do that often. Also, he tickled my arm. Sjoe, it was too much for me! I was becoming so aroused! I couldn't believe myself!

We shared lots of personal information in those first few weeks. Tim says he felt he moaned a lot to me and unloaded his baggage on me. But I don't remember it like that. It felt good that he would share stuff with me. The talk in the car.

So, was it love at first sight? I don't want to say so, and yet it was. But in a Godly way. Not physical attraction but spiritual attraction at first talk. I mean, I went home that night and told my family the next morning that I had met the guy who could potentially be my husband! So that shows that from Day 1, I had a good feeling about Timothy.

For 4 weeks in December, we were away from each other. He phoned me every day except 1, (and that was unpreventable). We built on our friendship in that time. We chatted about many things and I found myself longing each day for the next phone call from him.

So, we've come a way and its been a wonderful exciting journey. Then why do I feel that I still don't know him? Probably because I don't... I'm not ready to marry him but at least I know I want to!
Big time!

The Beginning as told in April 2002

10 April 2002

I feel seeing as I did not start this book until January, it is necessary to tell some things of the beginning of this wonderful and Godly romance!

We met on the 22nd October 2001 at Nicole's 18th birthday held at Magnolia Dell. I had not been at the party long, made a paper plate Birthday card for Nicole and I went to give it to her when I saw Tim. He was standing with Charl and Riaan but it was very dark. I didn't see any of them very clearly. Nicole introduced me and we chatted for a while about Theologos. My antennae for possible husband material had just recently fallen off. I was no longer searching. I was at peace and trusting God.

I was interested in what Timothy was saying. He spoke about the Tabernacle and I remember being impressed but polite. When he told me about his theory of love, I became excited and shared mine but got shot down. :) He was right. I had made Eros love an evil, ungodly thing and Tim said God made ALL love good including Eros! The world had perverted love. He said he felt sorry for my husband with me having that viewpoint :) [To read our two Theories of Love in detail, see Timothy's blog http://dieglashuis.wordpress.com/2012/08/11/janet-ek-kry-jou-man-glad-nie-jammer-nie/)

Anyway, I like a guy who has a Theory of Love and I was drawn to his obvious Godly character and I sensed he was attracted to me too :) When it began to rain, I hoped that that was not going to be the end of the evening and quickly went over to ask him if he was going to Nicole's house. He was! I prayed with Keren in the car that God's will would be done. Both Keren and I were impressed with Timothy.

At Nicole's, I wanted to impress too, so although it was cold, I took my jersey off so that Tim could see my figure better :) (confession). I felt him watching me at the table and I took peaks at him too. I joked and he laughed. But we wanted to talk alone and we got a chance later. I spoke about Joshua Harris' book 'I kissed dating goodbye'. He talked about Judas Iscariot and lots of other things but I think I was too self-conscious to listen.

I dropped a hint that my brother Joshua was doing a musical 'Jesu' at the State Theatre never imagining that he would actually say that he would like to go with me! I was thrilled!
Keren said I mustn't ask for his phone number and I kinda promised but when he walked me to the car quietly and quite serious, I got worried and asked his number "to let him know about Jesu". He did better than that and gave me his business card! A bit impersonal I thought but later he said that he doesn't give it to many people.

I felt like hugging him but I didn't.

I could hardly sleep that night. I felt it had been a momentous night. And as it turns out...
it was!

Our First Holiday

29 March 2002

Well, I took this book on holiday but then I never wrote in it. Now I’ve got some time alone in Nana’s house to catch up on telling about my wonderfully great holiday. God answered my prayers!

Where to start? I have so many good memories. I’d like to write about my good times with Justine. As it’s my value that families are just as important as the love relationship itself. I am very pleased that my relationship with Tim’s family, especially his sister, grew this holiday. I walked and danced on the beach with Aunty Rhona and Justine. I played arcade games with Justine (dancing, Shuffleboard, motorbike racing J I rode horse with her, shopped with her and chatted late into the night with her. It was stunning! We mutually share the sentiment that we want to become very close friends. She gave me lots of affirmation that she feels I’m right for Timothy. She said that she has seen a whole new side of her brother: laughing and lively and being himself. We built sandcastles together. Tim was the architect giving Justine and me instructions on how to build. 

Tim and I didn't exactly have a platonic holiday. We did lots of fun things (played putt-putt, Boulderdash, wrestled on the bed, went shopping etc.) We laughed a lot; he was relaxed and content. But we also had lots of romantic times together: a walk on the beach, watching movies on the couch and reading books together. Our self control was really tested. I don't know if I want to go into detail in this book. I feel as if everyone's going to read it one day. So I'll just say that we kissed a lot and were sometimes majorly aroused. But I don't feel in the least bit guilty. I don't believe we did anything to be ashamed about. We were careful not to be alone together behind closed doors, or lie on the bed alone together. It's interesting that often, the most innocent of kisses were the most special. But for a girl, kisses aren't the highlight or the times I think about the most. I enjoy lying in his arms, just being near him. 

He said so many special things to me and I've grown to love him so much!

Prayer

20 March 2002

Tim is a bit nervous and stressed about the upcoming holiday. So am I a bit, but for a different reason :)

He has been on holiday with his two previous girlfriends and it didn't go well. well, I was sad to learn this because I don't want anything to spoil our potentially great holiday! Mom hit the nail on the head: physically Tim went beyond what was right and he is scared it happens to us. That's why he is emphasizing friendship.

So right now, Lord, I pray that you would bring peace to his heart, that he may know he can trust You to protect us and keep us from temptation. Lord, may we have a really fun time of doing things together and may his bad memories quickly be replaced with good ones!

Amen.

Open and Honest

18 March 2002

Today, Timothy phoned and asked if he could drop something off. I waited in anticipation- (msut've checked outside 12 times!) He arrived with the most beautiful, most fragrant bunch of long-stemmed red roses (20)!! My heart swelled with joy, thankfullness and love. The roses were for no reason except that he loves me and cares for me. Wow! Truly I am blessed more than other women.

Last night, we went to church together and the night before was Riaan's party. It was very nice. Tim kinda gave me a correction or lovingly warned me to put a guard at my mouth and be more extra careful what I say especially since I want to be a counselling psychologist. It's true, I can say things without thinking and be insensitive. i don't realize that people may take offense because I'm not easily offended. (Had to get that in :)

It's good. I appreciate Tim's honesty and this relationship is open and honest.

We are going on holiday soon. I am going with the Kieswetters to Langebaan. I am more than excited! I wonder if I should take this book with? I don't want to risk him seeing it, but I'm scared I miss/forget special moments.
> shrug <

Reunion

15 March 2002

Tim came back from 8 days in the Cape and the reunion was great! He told me he was still in love with me, which is great! We kissed long and lots but then it was good to have him back. :) But I thought to myself that I'd like to talk more the following night.

And we did. Last night, he had a great Bible study: being a Jesus Freak and making a difference. He was in a 'laf' mood and we laughed so much. We talked and laughed together. It was so special! We were so relaxed and ourselves, especially Tim. Last night, I could see he was just himself and not embarrassed. His mom told him that she is glad to see him so happy. With his ex's, he definitely was never so happy. So that's cool.

Tonight we're going to Centurion fountains.

He said..

He says so many stunning things to me, I wish I could remember them all...

* He said that when he saw me again, he thought "Sheesh, I must get her number"and then "O, I have it! I have her!"

* He said that if he only had 5minutes with me, he would rather talk than kiss!

* He said that if God put me to sleep and then gave him the opportunity to change one thing of my physical appearance, Tim would say 'no thanks', there is nothing that he would change.

* He said I'm desirable. (I like hearing that!)

* He said: "Ek waardeer jou, dankie vir jou support."

* He said: "Ons pas by mekaar. Jy pas my soos 'n handskoen. God het ons elkeen gemaak vir mekaar.'

* Hy sê eks 'n supermodel :)

* He said I make him ecstatic.

* He said he is not himself without me.

* He said being without me for too long makes him grumpy. :)

* Hy is mal oor my!

His family

10 March 2002

I visited Tim's family last night. It was so great! They are stunning people and I feel as if I fit in well!

I chatted with Justine [Timothy's sister] while sticking labels ons CDs. I chatted with Aunty Rhona. It was awesome! I got a hug from Uncle Gary and Tim says that he has never given any of Tim's girlfriends a hug. So I scored points but that was not my intention. I really like them and enjoy being there.

I also spoke to Tim [on the phone] twice! And he told me that he is 'onsaglik' lief vir my. I can't express my joy and gratitude that I have such a wonderful boyfriend who loves me so much! I am becoming more convinced that he is my future husband. And the thought thrills me!

I love him too! Very much!

Letter I wrote to Tim:

"My Liefie Timothy

As ek aan jou dink, glimlag ek

As ek van jou praat, dan bloos ek.

As ek met jou is, 

is ek die gelukkigste meisie op aarde!

Dankie vir jou vriendskap

Dankie vir jou geestelikke en emotionele 'input'

Dankie vir jou liefde!

Ek is baie lief vir jou"

Maturer level of maturity

4 March 2002

Timothy and I just spent some great time together! First, he told me that we must step onto a maturer level of maturity in our relationship... where we kiss less and chat/visit more. I totally had thought the same thing but as I prayed, God is causing him to take the lead in the relationship; setting the purity and integrity standard also!

So we just talked and laughed (squeezed biscuits into our mouths) and jumped on the trampoline and enjoyed each others' company.

He realized that he has been struggling with his thoughts a lot. It is an attack from the devil after his fast. But what is spurring it on is our kissing sessions. His adrenaline/hormones get kicked into gear and then when he is away from me, his mind fills in the gaps. If you know what I mean. So, the fact that he is leaving to the Argus tomorrow and that I won't see him for 8 days is probably from the Lord!
God timing!

Sms from Tim

"Hooglied 4:7"

(It says: 'All beautiful you are 

my darling. There is no flaw in you.')

8 March 2002

"Ek bid dat jy vir altyd

myne sal wees en ek joune."

10 March 2002

Still in love

4 March 2002

Haven't written for a while. Things are going well. Last week, what was special was our phone conversations. Wednesday and Thursday night we spoke for long on the phone and we had such good chats and discussions and laughs. It was really nice!

On Friday night, Tim took me to Villa Italia and we had a 3-course meal! I'm really blessed to have a boyfriend who can afford to spoil me.

Saturday night was Joshua's [my brother] birthday party. I was a bit apprehensive about how Tim would be viewed by the people who know me well. It went excellently!

And yesterday, we spent the whole afternoon together. It was romantic. Tim said lots of nice things... compliments... and that he still has that feeling for me after knowing me for over 5 months...
still in love. :)

Sms from Tim:

"Eks lief vir jou."

[Then a few seconds later.]

"Eks nogsteeds lief vir jou. :-)"

My Flat

24 February 2002

Once again, last night, my time with Timothy was precious. He came to look at my flat because I'm here now. :) 

And he made me laugh so much. I asked him to wait outside while I change my top. [It's was a one room flat.] Perhaps I shouldn't of done that, Not again!

Then in the car at Menlyn, he sensed I was upset about something and we could pray it through together! So, not only was I ministered to, set free from something and allowed God to begin a new work in an area of my life, I went into Menlyn rejoicing in God's goodness in giving Timothy to me. We had a nice time in the movies too. I'm so glad he feels relaxed with me. We act and laugh and have fun together. It's great!

Tonight, we're going to Lewende Woord and then everyone is coming for tea afterwards.

SMS from Tim

"Eks baie lief vir jou 

en ek soek niemand

behalwe jou nie"

16 Feb 2002

"Liefie, ek mis jou. 

ek hoop jy geniet die dans.

ek dink nie ek kan nog 'n dag

sonder jou gaan nie.

ek mis jou te veel vir woorde"

22 Feb 2002

I love it when...

I love it when he laughs a lot and acts all 'laf'.

He gently puts his hand on my back or hand while driving in the car. I can feel his love streaming towards me then.

He kisses me while i was speaking.

He grabs me from behind and gives me a big hug.

I love it when i move closer for a kiss and he moves away. It shows self control.

Tim says he wants to talk to me or visit me.

I love it when he phones me late at night to say goodnight.

He suggests a new boundary for our relationship or speaks about a maturer level we are moving to.

I love it when he buys me flowers!

He says he loves me.

We're good together

18 February 2002

Things are going very well! My relationship with Tim is beautiful, stunning, satisfying and full of joy and integrity. Praise the Lord!

Yesterday, the time we spent together was priceless! I had been away on a camp and the reunion was... Well, worth the absence!
We chatted so well together. Mom remarked on it. It's true. We can debate together; it's stimulating. We laughed a lot. We were vulnerable with each other. We were totally honest. I wished i could have captured it on video. But now, every moment, everything said, every intimate look is just a memory to be treasured and remembered.

Note: We made a new boundary for for when i move into my flat: He may not visit alone later than 9pm!

Setting Boundaries

13 February 2002

I've been waiting to write this but I haven't had time. Last night was so special for me.

I went to visit Tim. We didn't do much: played computer games; kissed; ate supper; kissed; went for a walk; kissed some more :)
And me, I'm the naughty one: no resistance or restraint! Poor Tim, I'm leaving all the integrity and hard work staying away from evil to him. It's wrong and I keep saying I won't make it difficult for him but then I do. Yes, slap me on the wrists!

Anyway, the great bit: As we were saying goodbye, Tim said that he felt we should only kiss long once a night. He said 'aand' but I heard 'maand' and we laughed about that for a while. Then we became serious and he explained that if we still wanted to remain in our boundaries, we must take it slower. (I've been thinking that for a while.) He said (and this is the good part because praise God for a man who believes this and cos they are my thoughts exactly!) he said that we have been growing spiritually and emotionally quite quickly in our relationship and that's great. In our 'special friend' time too, these areas had time to take the lead in our relationship. Now, we must just make sure that the physical does not catch up! Great hey!? And so true!

So, I wanted to shake hands on our agreement to only kiss long once a time we're together. Then he said we can start this rule from the next time, and this is where I was good. I said, "No, we start this rule tonight." So we kissed quickly (a few times) and then laughed at the possibility of our quick kisses becoming more frequent.

This and other gestures like it, make me have so much respect for Timothy. Respect and love because I see that he loves me.

Learning to appreciate our differences

9 February 2002

We kinda had a disagreement today. I just complained that he always has to be right and that he questions everyone else (including the learned and esteemed) while I just accept everything as fact.

He said that that is just the way he is and that experiences in life have conditioned him to be sceptical of everyone especially ministers. It's a pity but it's sadly true that there is a lot of corruption in the church.

Anyway, he (we) once again saw the balance we need to have in our views. He will protect me from being too gullible and being taken for a ride. And I will point out the good in people. Praise God for His purposes!

We talked about a lot of things: my pride and wanting people to follow my example instead of God's.
Money: the love of it is wrong but having lots is not. God wants to bless and will even more if he knows he can trust a man with money. And sowing [giving] money should only be done in absolute obedience to God.

We also watched a clever movie :)

Developments

7 February 2002

There have been some developments...

Tuesday night at Tim's house, we kissed for longer outside in the garden. It was very nice.

Then last night after cell [a church home group], we kissed outside my house but a bit heavier and I didn't like it. Tim did and that's partly the reason why I didn't stop him. I showed no sign that I didn't enjoy the kissing. In fact, I kissed him back, smiled etc. And I shouldn't have done that. I should tell him immediately to stop.

So, after praying, I phoned Tim and explained my feelings. It went well! He totally understood and thanked me for sharing with him. He also said that we need to be honest with one another. And we agreed that should one of us not be in the mood for visiting or kissing, that we would say so and then the other person will love enough to respect that one's feelings and understand. Once again, another bridge crossed, another level reached.

As for the physical side, we're moving too fast. Tim says we haven't crossed the boundary line and I realize it's true... but we are coming close and I would appreciate us being more careful.

One Major Thing to note is that Timothy was genuinely kissing me out of love and not lust. And I see this is possible (even for guys :) I have had a very bad unfair mindset that guys (even Christians) cannot control their sexual urges and any physical intimacy stems from lust and helpless hormones. Tim showed me and later explained to me that last night's physical affection was the outward manifestation of the heart of true love he has for me. And the love he was feeling from me was selfless, sacrificial love. And I confirmed that. I might not have felt like kissing but I did anyway.

But I won't again!

Waiting and Wondering

4 February 2002

"And time goes by, so slowly... and time can do so much..."

We're both waiting for news. Timothy has had an interview with Radio Pulpit and is waiting to hear if he has been accepted to work for them. I'm waiting for my car to be fixed; to start my job as facilitator; to hear if I've been 'given' the beautiful flat I'm very keen to move into and to start working for Dr Scheepers. It's all very frustrating.

I want to be with Tim all the time. I never thought I would feel this way. But I actually felt down last night at the prospect of him dropping me off and leaving. And now today, I want to be with him again. I know he used to feel this way but it seems to have worn off. Why didn't he stay and visit a while? Hope he wants to see me tomorrow!

My First Love

30 January 2002

Wow, I'm in love!!

I was thinking that I won't mention God in this book but it's not going to work because God is my first love, #1 in my life and He will and must feature in my book of romance. As my love for Tim is growing, I am becoming concerned that I'm thinking too much of him, (placing him above Tim God. You see! I even write Tim instead of God!) and it is a real thing to be aware of.

Many girls idolise their boyfriends and God does not like this and actually, the boyfriend can't stand the strain; because he is not perfect and can't be the girl's emotional well-being forever.

So, tonight, I was pleased to hear from my dance friends that they can see I'm close to God and do everything to please Him and that I love Him dearly! And then I showed God in my worship and I feel very relieved and pleased to see God's continued hand of blessing and good will in this relationship.
Lovies

A Song:

My First Love 

My First love is a rushing river

a waterfall that will never cease.

And in the torrent of tears and laughter

I feel the healing power released.

And in your love I'll be satisfied, My Lord

Until the trumpet announces your return!

And like a child

I will dance in Your presence

O let the joy of heaven pour down on me.

I still remember the first day I met You

and I don't ever want to lose that fire

My First Love

Love is a beautiful thing!

28 January 2002

Love is a beautiful thing! Thank you Lord for inventing... but wait, God is love!

I never really imagined/believed that not only could I love someone very much, but that he could return that love. And that's the way it should be. I love the way Tim supports me. He's excited for my new jobs. He advises me and tells me what he thinks I should do. He sympathises.

I love it too, when he shares his thoughts, his heart, his ideas with me. It makes me feel worthy; special.

I love it when he nuzzles my ear or tickles my neck. It feels like streams of love and affection is pouring from him. It doesn't feel dirty or perverted. He is not satisfying his own urges, he is thinking of me; his love for me. I don't have words to say how wonderful it is!

Thank you Lord!

Timothy se SMS Gebede

"Dankie Here vir Janet.

Dat ek haar mag liefhê op 'n spesiale manier.

Ek vra U wees saam met haar more

in Jesus naam, Amen."

"Here, ek dank U dat U ons 

laat nader aan mekaar groei. 

Dankie dat ons lewens en verhouding

was, en sal nog altyd in U hande wees."

No French-kissing!

25 January 2002

Sjoe, I've got to write this down. I've got it bad! I am love-sick and I mean majorly!

I'd like to think that it was an answer to prayer but I mean, this week, things happened to make me fall more in love with Tim than ever before. Last night, he taught at his cell group so passionately and it made me love him more. I miss him so much!

On Tuesday, he was tempted to French kiss me, I kinda realized and said "uh-uh" (no). Then he closed his lips tight when I pecked him goodnight. Shame, sweetie-pie, but I love him for it.

He is so annointed to write books. This week, he is getting revelation upon revelation! His spirit is just raring to go and he says his flesh does not like it. He is being tempted a lot. Now, obviously I like to think: "Cool, he's desiring me" but that's wrong. How ironic! First I want him to be upright, to stop prowling around me like a hungry wolf, and then I wish he would stop fighting temptation so hard! 'Janet!" Yeah, sorry! Tim is the spiritual one this time, you're going to have to hear my flesh. I'll deal with my wrong motives and selfish desires later.

It's really cool for me to feel so in love and Tim is 'stable', striving for integrity and purity, reveling in God's Word, feeling His presence and supernaturally writing a number of awesome books!

It's good!

sms from tim

"Liefie, ek is so opgewonde 

oor die jaar. Ek weet nie

presies wat alles gaan gebeur nie,

ek weet net ons gaan God

se koningkryk op die aarde

bring in ons eie bedienings

en saam."

1 January 2002

Soberly and Honestly Evaluating

22 January 2002

Tim visited me at home last night and we had a good time. Laughing and chatting. Then we had a Bible study. (My idea). And Tim was interpreting the verses. It sounded right and it probably was, but what bugs me a little is that his opinions/interpretation is always right and mine is less right or wrong. But to give him credit, he did ask if I had something to add and sometimes he agreed with my opinion. I’ve told him that he doesn’t often agree with me and he said sorry.

Also, last night I confronted Dad about something and Dad got defensive. Tim asked if he could advise me to rather speak to Dad in private. Tim likes to feel that he is teaching me something. I was reminding myself to be teachable.

Today’s plans also come from me: movies. I would like it if he took the lead and initiative in other things besides spiritual debates J

I know all this sounds negative but it’s not really. I’m just ‘soberly and honestly evaluating’ him. That’s what the courtship… [here the diary page got wet and the words smudged so that I can’t see the last 3 words of the entry except a question mark at the end. I assume that the ‘courtship’ book I was referring to is ‘Boy Meets Girl’ by Joshua Harris. But I wish I knew what my last word with question mark is! Luckily this is the only place in my diary where letters were smudged so don’t worry, it won’t happen again!]

First Fight

21 January 2002

This is not pleasant to remember but it is significant. I was angry with Tim for the first time since I've known him. It was about the Ancient Paths course. I didn't want to speak to him or sms him. I was shocked and saddened by my anger. But with time, God calmed me and brought joy and love for him back in my heart.

We could talk about the issue in a mature, open way. We said sorry and discussed the things we had learnt. Tim said that now we had moved on to the next level in our relationship (whatever that is). I prefer to say that we have grown in our relationship.

I realize that there may be times that I'm angry with Tim and think bad things about him, but that doesn't change the fact that I love him.

The Memory Verse Game

16 January 2002

You see, it's a good thing that Tim and I sometimes do nothing; have no date planned because we talk and it's more realistic. Yesterday he came up with the idea of seeing who knows the most Bible scriptures. He quotes one, then I quote one. If I can quote the scripture quicker than he can say the reference, he has to quote two scriptures. What a unique game, played by a Christian couple! It was fun and I like it that it was his idea.
We also had good communication. He explained to me that he likes to come to conclusions when we debate. I tend to drop the subject if I feel uncomfortable or cornered. He doesn't back down so easily :) I realized that we hadn't finished our last conversation, so we talked until I drew a conclusion.

Sms messages from Timothy:

(I was away from him on holiday with my family)

"Goeiemore my liefling. 

Dit reën lekker hier

en met elke druppel wat val,

vra ek die here dat ons moet 

bymekaar bly."
23 December 2001

"Nag my lief.

Ek bid 'n wonderlikke slaap vir jou;

dat God sy geliefde en myne

sal kom bedien in jou slaap."
25 December 2001


"Ek SO lief vir jou Janet
as ek net dink aan ons verhouding
en my liefde vir jou en joune vir my,
wil ek net huil want dit is so kosbaar vir my."
31 December 2001

Where is the one my heart loves?

15 January 2002

It's almost 3 months since I first met Timothy Kieswetter and O, how amazing it's been! What a journey of discovery!

I have felt feelings I never knew I could feel. Bewilderment. Overwhelming! Unreal. I can;t believe what's happened to me. My world as I knew it changed. I am no longer the confident singleton. I have found true love. No, God has given me the gift of true love.

Falling in love is just as they describe it in good romance novels. But reading is not nearly as amazing as actually falling in love with someone yourself!

O, and I was careful. So careful. I prayed a lot. Sought God's will. Guarded my heart. I really did! I'm not guarding my heart as much now though. Should I? Why? How? Yes. Because I'm not married yet. By God's grace, not giving and loving too much. That's actually ironic because I asked God to make me love him more as a sign that he is the right one for me. Then, I need to be careful not to love too much. It's true what Joshua Harris says. I need to balance growing in love and guarding my heart.

It's been very nice. I still can't shake that out-of-touch-with-reality feeling. You would think that by now I could. But you see, I had grown to know myself as a single girl. The Janet that asks other couples how long the've been going out and smiles and congratulates. The Janet who watches as her friend gets picked up after school by her boyfriend. The Janet who watches as a girl leads her boyfriend out the movie house. Janet, always watching and waiting... until I was content to be waiting and not wanting. Content to be me.

The single me I knew changed when I met Tim. He was all I could talk about. He consumed my thoughts - still does - and crept into my heart.

So now I'm Janet with a boyfriend. Still me, I guess, except that it is so extra unusual for Janet to have a guy in her life, never mind walking through Menlyn holding a guy's hand! I don't like clichés. I like to be unique, do things better; the higher standard stuff I'm always talking about. But I find myself wanting to put my hand on his back like I've seen other girls do. Tickle his neck. Even take the common couple photo's. Which irritates me a little because it places me in a category: Soppy, lovesick couple. And I would like to think of myself above such things. More Godly. But I'm new at this. I may make mistakes. But with God's grace, I'll be as good a girlfriend as I was a single girl... If that makes sense. 

Book of Romance Begins

I met Timothy in October 2001. I was 19 years old. Up until then, I had never had an official boyfriend apart from the occasional date.

We met one night at a friend's birthday braai at Magnolia Dell, Pretoria. We shared an instant connection. Timothy told me that he had learnt from previous experience that he should not rush into a relationship. He suggested that if one still liked a person after knowing them for three months, then they should begin dating. I liked this a lot as I was in the process of reading Joshua Harris' book, 'I kissed Dating goodbye' and i subscribed to the philosophy of taking it slow - very slow!

But then Timothy asked me out two weeks later! I was slightly dissappointed. What happened to getting to know one another for 3 months? Yes, we liked each other but he was going back on what he said. So, i said no. But he didn;t give up! He kept courting me but I remained strict. He was allowed to kiss me on the cheek when I presented him with his birthday present but otherwise our relationship was strictly platonic. Holding hands is what dating couples do and we were not officially dating but we still longed to be in contact with each other, so we would actually semi-lean against one antoher while walking in the shops! We laughed about it and leaned even more. Luckily for me, Timothy did not give up easily! We kept visiting, meeting each other's families and e-mailing.  We actually coined a new phrase: 'special friends'. I know, sweet enough to make one sick!  But I was determined to wait the alotted 3 months before making it official and allowing the physical aspect of a relationship to commence.

Tim spoilt me and took me out on many dates including a trip to the State Theatre to watch my brother perform in a musical. Then on the 8th December we went to sing Christmans carols at Phemba stadium. There as we were crossing the busy street, he asked me out again. I didn't answer immediately. I wanted to think some more. It had only been 6 weeks since we had met. What about the three month time table? But perhaps if I said no again, I'd lose him. I really did like him and felt ready to make it official. As we were singing carols by the light of our candles, I decided it would be romantic to tell him yes! He was elated! As we walked back to the car, he said that as we were offically boyfriend and girlfriend, I would probably not mind if he held my hand? I said it would be okay and when we held hands, it was like electricity passed between us. Tim told me that studies have shown that there are thousands of nerve endings in the hand and that its sad how many couples skip the hand-holding phase of a relationship. They miss out on the electrifying sensations that he was feeling at that moment.

That night, on my porch, he asked to kiss me and I leaned in for my first kiss. It was a peck on my very tight lips! We were both sorely dissappointed. But a few minutes later, he said bye and kissed me again and this time my lips were softer, however sealed.

This blog is an exact replica of the journal I kept beginning of January 15th 2002. I wrote about our dates, my thoughts, our experiences. I hoped then that I would one day publish it. And here I am! I was surprised to see that most of this journal was written in English. But then, when Timothy met me, my first language was English. Now, however, our home language is Afrikaans. But, the blog is a word for word copy of what I wrote in my very own Book of Romance.

On our way to the Theatre. November 2001