Where is the one my heart loves?

15 January 2002

It's almost 3 months since I first met Timothy Kieswetter and O, how amazing it's been! What a journey of discovery!

I have felt feelings I never knew I could feel. Bewilderment. Overwhelming! Unreal. I can;t believe what's happened to me. My world as I knew it changed. I am no longer the confident singleton. I have found true love. No, God has given me the gift of true love.

Falling in love is just as they describe it in good romance novels. But reading is not nearly as amazing as actually falling in love with someone yourself!

O, and I was careful. So careful. I prayed a lot. Sought God's will. Guarded my heart. I really did! I'm not guarding my heart as much now though. Should I? Why? How? Yes. Because I'm not married yet. By God's grace, not giving and loving too much. That's actually ironic because I asked God to make me love him more as a sign that he is the right one for me. Then, I need to be careful not to love too much. It's true what Joshua Harris says. I need to balance growing in love and guarding my heart.

It's been very nice. I still can't shake that out-of-touch-with-reality feeling. You would think that by now I could. But you see, I had grown to know myself as a single girl. The Janet that asks other couples how long the've been going out and smiles and congratulates. The Janet who watches as her friend gets picked up after school by her boyfriend. The Janet who watches as a girl leads her boyfriend out the movie house. Janet, always watching and waiting... until I was content to be waiting and not wanting. Content to be me.

The single me I knew changed when I met Tim. He was all I could talk about. He consumed my thoughts - still does - and crept into my heart.

So now I'm Janet with a boyfriend. Still me, I guess, except that it is so extra unusual for Janet to have a guy in her life, never mind walking through Menlyn holding a guy's hand! I don't like clichés. I like to be unique, do things better; the higher standard stuff I'm always talking about. But I find myself wanting to put my hand on his back like I've seen other girls do. Tickle his neck. Even take the common couple photo's. Which irritates me a little because it places me in a category: Soppy, lovesick couple. And I would like to think of myself above such things. More Godly. But I'm new at this. I may make mistakes. But with God's grace, I'll be as good a girlfriend as I was a single girl... If that makes sense.