Waiting and Wondering

4 February 2002

"And time goes by, so slowly... and time can do so much..."

We're both waiting for news. Timothy has had an interview with Radio Pulpit and is waiting to hear if he has been accepted to work for them. I'm waiting for my car to be fixed; to start my job as facilitator; to hear if I've been 'given' the beautiful flat I'm very keen to move into and to start working for Dr Scheepers. It's all very frustrating.

I want to be with Tim all the time. I never thought I would feel this way. But I actually felt down last night at the prospect of him dropping me off and leaving. And now today, I want to be with him again. I know he used to feel this way but it seems to have worn off. Why didn't he stay and visit a while? Hope he wants to see me tomorrow!

My First Love

30 January 2002

Wow, I'm in love!!

I was thinking that I won't mention God in this book but it's not going to work because God is my first love, #1 in my life and He will and must feature in my book of romance. As my love for Tim is growing, I am becoming concerned that I'm thinking too much of him, (placing him above Tim God. You see! I even write Tim instead of God!) and it is a real thing to be aware of.

Many girls idolise their boyfriends and God does not like this and actually, the boyfriend can't stand the strain; because he is not perfect and can't be the girl's emotional well-being forever.

So, tonight, I was pleased to hear from my dance friends that they can see I'm close to God and do everything to please Him and that I love Him dearly! And then I showed God in my worship and I feel very relieved and pleased to see God's continued hand of blessing and good will in this relationship.
Lovies

A Song:

My First Love 

My First love is a rushing river

a waterfall that will never cease.

And in the torrent of tears and laughter

I feel the healing power released.

And in your love I'll be satisfied, My Lord

Until the trumpet announces your return!

And like a child

I will dance in Your presence

O let the joy of heaven pour down on me.

I still remember the first day I met You

and I don't ever want to lose that fire

My First Love

Love is a beautiful thing!

28 January 2002

Love is a beautiful thing! Thank you Lord for inventing... but wait, God is love!

I never really imagined/believed that not only could I love someone very much, but that he could return that love. And that's the way it should be. I love the way Tim supports me. He's excited for my new jobs. He advises me and tells me what he thinks I should do. He sympathises.

I love it too, when he shares his thoughts, his heart, his ideas with me. It makes me feel worthy; special.

I love it when he nuzzles my ear or tickles my neck. It feels like streams of love and affection is pouring from him. It doesn't feel dirty or perverted. He is not satisfying his own urges, he is thinking of me; his love for me. I don't have words to say how wonderful it is!

Thank you Lord!

Timothy se SMS Gebede

"Dankie Here vir Janet.

Dat ek haar mag liefhê op 'n spesiale manier.

Ek vra U wees saam met haar more

in Jesus naam, Amen."

"Here, ek dank U dat U ons 

laat nader aan mekaar groei. 

Dankie dat ons lewens en verhouding

was, en sal nog altyd in U hande wees."

No French-kissing!

25 January 2002

Sjoe, I've got to write this down. I've got it bad! I am love-sick and I mean majorly!

I'd like to think that it was an answer to prayer but I mean, this week, things happened to make me fall more in love with Tim than ever before. Last night, he taught at his cell group so passionately and it made me love him more. I miss him so much!

On Tuesday, he was tempted to French kiss me, I kinda realized and said "uh-uh" (no). Then he closed his lips tight when I pecked him goodnight. Shame, sweetie-pie, but I love him for it.

He is so annointed to write books. This week, he is getting revelation upon revelation! His spirit is just raring to go and he says his flesh does not like it. He is being tempted a lot. Now, obviously I like to think: "Cool, he's desiring me" but that's wrong. How ironic! First I want him to be upright, to stop prowling around me like a hungry wolf, and then I wish he would stop fighting temptation so hard! 'Janet!" Yeah, sorry! Tim is the spiritual one this time, you're going to have to hear my flesh. I'll deal with my wrong motives and selfish desires later.

It's really cool for me to feel so in love and Tim is 'stable', striving for integrity and purity, reveling in God's Word, feeling His presence and supernaturally writing a number of awesome books!

It's good!

sms from tim

"Liefie, ek is so opgewonde 

oor die jaar. Ek weet nie

presies wat alles gaan gebeur nie,

ek weet net ons gaan God

se koningkryk op die aarde

bring in ons eie bedienings

en saam."

1 January 2002

Soberly and Honestly Evaluating

22 January 2002

Tim visited me at home last night and we had a good time. Laughing and chatting. Then we had a Bible study. (My idea). And Tim was interpreting the verses. It sounded right and it probably was, but what bugs me a little is that his opinions/interpretation is always right and mine is less right or wrong. But to give him credit, he did ask if I had something to add and sometimes he agreed with my opinion. I’ve told him that he doesn’t often agree with me and he said sorry.

Also, last night I confronted Dad about something and Dad got defensive. Tim asked if he could advise me to rather speak to Dad in private. Tim likes to feel that he is teaching me something. I was reminding myself to be teachable.

Today’s plans also come from me: movies. I would like it if he took the lead and initiative in other things besides spiritual debates J

I know all this sounds negative but it’s not really. I’m just ‘soberly and honestly evaluating’ him. That’s what the courtship… [here the diary page got wet and the words smudged so that I can’t see the last 3 words of the entry except a question mark at the end. I assume that the ‘courtship’ book I was referring to is ‘Boy Meets Girl’ by Joshua Harris. But I wish I knew what my last word with question mark is! Luckily this is the only place in my diary where letters were smudged so don’t worry, it won’t happen again!]

First Fight

21 January 2002

This is not pleasant to remember but it is significant. I was angry with Tim for the first time since I've known him. It was about the Ancient Paths course. I didn't want to speak to him or sms him. I was shocked and saddened by my anger. But with time, God calmed me and brought joy and love for him back in my heart.

We could talk about the issue in a mature, open way. We said sorry and discussed the things we had learnt. Tim said that now we had moved on to the next level in our relationship (whatever that is). I prefer to say that we have grown in our relationship.

I realize that there may be times that I'm angry with Tim and think bad things about him, but that doesn't change the fact that I love him.

The Memory Verse Game

16 January 2002

You see, it's a good thing that Tim and I sometimes do nothing; have no date planned because we talk and it's more realistic. Yesterday he came up with the idea of seeing who knows the most Bible scriptures. He quotes one, then I quote one. If I can quote the scripture quicker than he can say the reference, he has to quote two scriptures. What a unique game, played by a Christian couple! It was fun and I like it that it was his idea.
We also had good communication. He explained to me that he likes to come to conclusions when we debate. I tend to drop the subject if I feel uncomfortable or cornered. He doesn't back down so easily :) I realized that we hadn't finished our last conversation, so we talked until I drew a conclusion.

Sms messages from Timothy:

(I was away from him on holiday with my family)

"Goeiemore my liefling. 

Dit reën lekker hier

en met elke druppel wat val,

vra ek die here dat ons moet 

bymekaar bly."
23 December 2001

"Nag my lief.

Ek bid 'n wonderlikke slaap vir jou;

dat God sy geliefde en myne

sal kom bedien in jou slaap."
25 December 2001


"Ek SO lief vir jou Janet
as ek net dink aan ons verhouding
en my liefde vir jou en joune vir my,
wil ek net huil want dit is so kosbaar vir my."
31 December 2001

Where is the one my heart loves?

15 January 2002

It's almost 3 months since I first met Timothy Kieswetter and O, how amazing it's been! What a journey of discovery!

I have felt feelings I never knew I could feel. Bewilderment. Overwhelming! Unreal. I can;t believe what's happened to me. My world as I knew it changed. I am no longer the confident singleton. I have found true love. No, God has given me the gift of true love.

Falling in love is just as they describe it in good romance novels. But reading is not nearly as amazing as actually falling in love with someone yourself!

O, and I was careful. So careful. I prayed a lot. Sought God's will. Guarded my heart. I really did! I'm not guarding my heart as much now though. Should I? Why? How? Yes. Because I'm not married yet. By God's grace, not giving and loving too much. That's actually ironic because I asked God to make me love him more as a sign that he is the right one for me. Then, I need to be careful not to love too much. It's true what Joshua Harris says. I need to balance growing in love and guarding my heart.

It's been very nice. I still can't shake that out-of-touch-with-reality feeling. You would think that by now I could. But you see, I had grown to know myself as a single girl. The Janet that asks other couples how long the've been going out and smiles and congratulates. The Janet who watches as her friend gets picked up after school by her boyfriend. The Janet who watches as a girl leads her boyfriend out the movie house. Janet, always watching and waiting... until I was content to be waiting and not wanting. Content to be me.

The single me I knew changed when I met Tim. He was all I could talk about. He consumed my thoughts - still does - and crept into my heart.

So now I'm Janet with a boyfriend. Still me, I guess, except that it is so extra unusual for Janet to have a guy in her life, never mind walking through Menlyn holding a guy's hand! I don't like clichés. I like to be unique, do things better; the higher standard stuff I'm always talking about. But I find myself wanting to put my hand on his back like I've seen other girls do. Tickle his neck. Even take the common couple photo's. Which irritates me a little because it places me in a category: Soppy, lovesick couple. And I would like to think of myself above such things. More Godly. But I'm new at this. I may make mistakes. But with God's grace, I'll be as good a girlfriend as I was a single girl... If that makes sense. 

Book of Romance Begins

I met Timothy in October 2001. I was 19 years old. Up until then, I had never had an official boyfriend apart from the occasional date.

We met one night at a friend's birthday braai at Magnolia Dell, Pretoria. We shared an instant connection. Timothy told me that he had learnt from previous experience that he should not rush into a relationship. He suggested that if one still liked a person after knowing them for three months, then they should begin dating. I liked this a lot as I was in the process of reading Joshua Harris' book, 'I kissed Dating goodbye' and i subscribed to the philosophy of taking it slow - very slow!

But then Timothy asked me out two weeks later! I was slightly dissappointed. What happened to getting to know one another for 3 months? Yes, we liked each other but he was going back on what he said. So, i said no. But he didn;t give up! He kept courting me but I remained strict. He was allowed to kiss me on the cheek when I presented him with his birthday present but otherwise our relationship was strictly platonic. Holding hands is what dating couples do and we were not officially dating but we still longed to be in contact with each other, so we would actually semi-lean against one antoher while walking in the shops! We laughed about it and leaned even more. Luckily for me, Timothy did not give up easily! We kept visiting, meeting each other's families and e-mailing.  We actually coined a new phrase: 'special friends'. I know, sweet enough to make one sick!  But I was determined to wait the alotted 3 months before making it official and allowing the physical aspect of a relationship to commence.

Tim spoilt me and took me out on many dates including a trip to the State Theatre to watch my brother perform in a musical. Then on the 8th December we went to sing Christmans carols at Phemba stadium. There as we were crossing the busy street, he asked me out again. I didn't answer immediately. I wanted to think some more. It had only been 6 weeks since we had met. What about the three month time table? But perhaps if I said no again, I'd lose him. I really did like him and felt ready to make it official. As we were singing carols by the light of our candles, I decided it would be romantic to tell him yes! He was elated! As we walked back to the car, he said that as we were offically boyfriend and girlfriend, I would probably not mind if he held my hand? I said it would be okay and when we held hands, it was like electricity passed between us. Tim told me that studies have shown that there are thousands of nerve endings in the hand and that its sad how many couples skip the hand-holding phase of a relationship. They miss out on the electrifying sensations that he was feeling at that moment.

That night, on my porch, he asked to kiss me and I leaned in for my first kiss. It was a peck on my very tight lips! We were both sorely dissappointed. But a few minutes later, he said bye and kissed me again and this time my lips were softer, however sealed.

This blog is an exact replica of the journal I kept beginning of January 15th 2002. I wrote about our dates, my thoughts, our experiences. I hoped then that I would one day publish it. And here I am! I was surprised to see that most of this journal was written in English. But then, when Timothy met me, my first language was English. Now, however, our home language is Afrikaans. But, the blog is a word for word copy of what I wrote in my very own Book of Romance.

On our way to the Theatre. November 2001