Our First Holiday

29 March 2002

Well, I took this book on holiday but then I never wrote in it. Now I’ve got some time alone in Nana’s house to catch up on telling about my wonderfully great holiday. God answered my prayers!

Where to start? I have so many good memories. I’d like to write about my good times with Justine. As it’s my value that families are just as important as the love relationship itself. I am very pleased that my relationship with Tim’s family, especially his sister, grew this holiday. I walked and danced on the beach with Aunty Rhona and Justine. I played arcade games with Justine (dancing, Shuffleboard, motorbike racing J I rode horse with her, shopped with her and chatted late into the night with her. It was stunning! We mutually share the sentiment that we want to become very close friends. She gave me lots of affirmation that she feels I’m right for Timothy. She said that she has seen a whole new side of her brother: laughing and lively and being himself. We built sandcastles together. Tim was the architect giving Justine and me instructions on how to build. 

Tim and I didn't exactly have a platonic holiday. We did lots of fun things (played putt-putt, Boulderdash, wrestled on the bed, went shopping etc.) We laughed a lot; he was relaxed and content. But we also had lots of romantic times together: a walk on the beach, watching movies on the couch and reading books together. Our self control was really tested. I don't know if I want to go into detail in this book. I feel as if everyone's going to read it one day. So I'll just say that we kissed a lot and were sometimes majorly aroused. But I don't feel in the least bit guilty. I don't believe we did anything to be ashamed about. We were careful not to be alone together behind closed doors, or lie on the bed alone together. It's interesting that often, the most innocent of kisses were the most special. But for a girl, kisses aren't the highlight or the times I think about the most. I enjoy lying in his arms, just being near him. 

He said so many special things to me and I've grown to love him so much!

Prayer

20 March 2002

Tim is a bit nervous and stressed about the upcoming holiday. So am I a bit, but for a different reason :)

He has been on holiday with his two previous girlfriends and it didn't go well. well, I was sad to learn this because I don't want anything to spoil our potentially great holiday! Mom hit the nail on the head: physically Tim went beyond what was right and he is scared it happens to us. That's why he is emphasizing friendship.

So right now, Lord, I pray that you would bring peace to his heart, that he may know he can trust You to protect us and keep us from temptation. Lord, may we have a really fun time of doing things together and may his bad memories quickly be replaced with good ones!

Amen.

Open and Honest

18 March 2002

Today, Timothy phoned and asked if he could drop something off. I waited in anticipation- (msut've checked outside 12 times!) He arrived with the most beautiful, most fragrant bunch of long-stemmed red roses (20)!! My heart swelled with joy, thankfullness and love. The roses were for no reason except that he loves me and cares for me. Wow! Truly I am blessed more than other women.

Last night, we went to church together and the night before was Riaan's party. It was very nice. Tim kinda gave me a correction or lovingly warned me to put a guard at my mouth and be more extra careful what I say especially since I want to be a counselling psychologist. It's true, I can say things without thinking and be insensitive. i don't realize that people may take offense because I'm not easily offended. (Had to get that in :)

It's good. I appreciate Tim's honesty and this relationship is open and honest.

We are going on holiday soon. I am going with the Kieswetters to Langebaan. I am more than excited! I wonder if I should take this book with? I don't want to risk him seeing it, but I'm scared I miss/forget special moments.
> shrug <

Reunion

15 March 2002

Tim came back from 8 days in the Cape and the reunion was great! He told me he was still in love with me, which is great! We kissed long and lots but then it was good to have him back. :) But I thought to myself that I'd like to talk more the following night.

And we did. Last night, he had a great Bible study: being a Jesus Freak and making a difference. He was in a 'laf' mood and we laughed so much. We talked and laughed together. It was so special! We were so relaxed and ourselves, especially Tim. Last night, I could see he was just himself and not embarrassed. His mom told him that she is glad to see him so happy. With his ex's, he definitely was never so happy. So that's cool.

Tonight we're going to Centurion fountains.

He said..

He says so many stunning things to me, I wish I could remember them all...

* He said that when he saw me again, he thought "Sheesh, I must get her number"and then "O, I have it! I have her!"

* He said that if he only had 5minutes with me, he would rather talk than kiss!

* He said that if God put me to sleep and then gave him the opportunity to change one thing of my physical appearance, Tim would say 'no thanks', there is nothing that he would change.

* He said I'm desirable. (I like hearing that!)

* He said: "Ek waardeer jou, dankie vir jou support."

* He said: "Ons pas by mekaar. Jy pas my soos 'n handskoen. God het ons elkeen gemaak vir mekaar.'

* Hy sê eks 'n supermodel :)

* He said I make him ecstatic.

* He said he is not himself without me.

* He said being without me for too long makes him grumpy. :)

* Hy is mal oor my!

His family

10 March 2002

I visited Tim's family last night. It was so great! They are stunning people and I feel as if I fit in well!

I chatted with Justine [Timothy's sister] while sticking labels ons CDs. I chatted with Aunty Rhona. It was awesome! I got a hug from Uncle Gary and Tim says that he has never given any of Tim's girlfriends a hug. So I scored points but that was not my intention. I really like them and enjoy being there.

I also spoke to Tim [on the phone] twice! And he told me that he is 'onsaglik' lief vir my. I can't express my joy and gratitude that I have such a wonderful boyfriend who loves me so much! I am becoming more convinced that he is my future husband. And the thought thrills me!

I love him too! Very much!

Letter I wrote to Tim:

"My Liefie Timothy

As ek aan jou dink, glimlag ek

As ek van jou praat, dan bloos ek.

As ek met jou is, 

is ek die gelukkigste meisie op aarde!

Dankie vir jou vriendskap

Dankie vir jou geestelikke en emotionele 'input'

Dankie vir jou liefde!

Ek is baie lief vir jou"

Maturer level of maturity

4 March 2002

Timothy and I just spent some great time together! First, he told me that we must step onto a maturer level of maturity in our relationship... where we kiss less and chat/visit more. I totally had thought the same thing but as I prayed, God is causing him to take the lead in the relationship; setting the purity and integrity standard also!

So we just talked and laughed (squeezed biscuits into our mouths) and jumped on the trampoline and enjoyed each others' company.

He realized that he has been struggling with his thoughts a lot. It is an attack from the devil after his fast. But what is spurring it on is our kissing sessions. His adrenaline/hormones get kicked into gear and then when he is away from me, his mind fills in the gaps. If you know what I mean. So, the fact that he is leaving to the Argus tomorrow and that I won't see him for 8 days is probably from the Lord!
God timing!

Sms from Tim

"Hooglied 4:7"

(It says: 'All beautiful you are 

my darling. There is no flaw in you.')

8 March 2002

"Ek bid dat jy vir altyd

myne sal wees en ek joune."

10 March 2002

Still in love

4 March 2002

Haven't written for a while. Things are going well. Last week, what was special was our phone conversations. Wednesday and Thursday night we spoke for long on the phone and we had such good chats and discussions and laughs. It was really nice!

On Friday night, Tim took me to Villa Italia and we had a 3-course meal! I'm really blessed to have a boyfriend who can afford to spoil me.

Saturday night was Joshua's [my brother] birthday party. I was a bit apprehensive about how Tim would be viewed by the people who know me well. It went excellently!

And yesterday, we spent the whole afternoon together. It was romantic. Tim said lots of nice things... compliments... and that he still has that feeling for me after knowing me for over 5 months...
still in love. :)

Sms from Tim:

"Eks lief vir jou."

[Then a few seconds later.]

"Eks nogsteeds lief vir jou. :-)"

My Flat

24 February 2002

Once again, last night, my time with Timothy was precious. He came to look at my flat because I'm here now. :) 

And he made me laugh so much. I asked him to wait outside while I change my top. [It's was a one room flat.] Perhaps I shouldn't of done that, Not again!

Then in the car at Menlyn, he sensed I was upset about something and we could pray it through together! So, not only was I ministered to, set free from something and allowed God to begin a new work in an area of my life, I went into Menlyn rejoicing in God's goodness in giving Timothy to me. We had a nice time in the movies too. I'm so glad he feels relaxed with me. We act and laugh and have fun together. It's great!

Tonight, we're going to Lewende Woord and then everyone is coming for tea afterwards.

SMS from Tim

"Eks baie lief vir jou 

en ek soek niemand

behalwe jou nie"

16 Feb 2002

"Liefie, ek mis jou. 

ek hoop jy geniet die dans.

ek dink nie ek kan nog 'n dag

sonder jou gaan nie.

ek mis jou te veel vir woorde"

22 Feb 2002

I love it when...

I love it when he laughs a lot and acts all 'laf'.

He gently puts his hand on my back or hand while driving in the car. I can feel his love streaming towards me then.

He kisses me while i was speaking.

He grabs me from behind and gives me a big hug.

I love it when i move closer for a kiss and he moves away. It shows self control.

Tim says he wants to talk to me or visit me.

I love it when he phones me late at night to say goodnight.

He suggests a new boundary for our relationship or speaks about a maturer level we are moving to.

I love it when he buys me flowers!

He says he loves me.

We're good together

18 February 2002

Things are going very well! My relationship with Tim is beautiful, stunning, satisfying and full of joy and integrity. Praise the Lord!

Yesterday, the time we spent together was priceless! I had been away on a camp and the reunion was... Well, worth the absence!
We chatted so well together. Mom remarked on it. It's true. We can debate together; it's stimulating. We laughed a lot. We were vulnerable with each other. We were totally honest. I wished i could have captured it on video. But now, every moment, everything said, every intimate look is just a memory to be treasured and remembered.

Note: We made a new boundary for for when i move into my flat: He may not visit alone later than 9pm!

Setting Boundaries

13 February 2002

I've been waiting to write this but I haven't had time. Last night was so special for me.

I went to visit Tim. We didn't do much: played computer games; kissed; ate supper; kissed; went for a walk; kissed some more :)
And me, I'm the naughty one: no resistance or restraint! Poor Tim, I'm leaving all the integrity and hard work staying away from evil to him. It's wrong and I keep saying I won't make it difficult for him but then I do. Yes, slap me on the wrists!

Anyway, the great bit: As we were saying goodbye, Tim said that he felt we should only kiss long once a night. He said 'aand' but I heard 'maand' and we laughed about that for a while. Then we became serious and he explained that if we still wanted to remain in our boundaries, we must take it slower. (I've been thinking that for a while.) He said (and this is the good part because praise God for a man who believes this and cos they are my thoughts exactly!) he said that we have been growing spiritually and emotionally quite quickly in our relationship and that's great. In our 'special friend' time too, these areas had time to take the lead in our relationship. Now, we must just make sure that the physical does not catch up! Great hey!? And so true!

So, I wanted to shake hands on our agreement to only kiss long once a time we're together. Then he said we can start this rule from the next time, and this is where I was good. I said, "No, we start this rule tonight." So we kissed quickly (a few times) and then laughed at the possibility of our quick kisses becoming more frequent.

This and other gestures like it, make me have so much respect for Timothy. Respect and love because I see that he loves me.

Learning to appreciate our differences

9 February 2002

We kinda had a disagreement today. I just complained that he always has to be right and that he questions everyone else (including the learned and esteemed) while I just accept everything as fact.

He said that that is just the way he is and that experiences in life have conditioned him to be sceptical of everyone especially ministers. It's a pity but it's sadly true that there is a lot of corruption in the church.

Anyway, he (we) once again saw the balance we need to have in our views. He will protect me from being too gullible and being taken for a ride. And I will point out the good in people. Praise God for His purposes!

We talked about a lot of things: my pride and wanting people to follow my example instead of God's.
Money: the love of it is wrong but having lots is not. God wants to bless and will even more if he knows he can trust a man with money. And sowing [giving] money should only be done in absolute obedience to God.

We also watched a clever movie :)

Developments

7 February 2002

There have been some developments...

Tuesday night at Tim's house, we kissed for longer outside in the garden. It was very nice.

Then last night after cell [a church home group], we kissed outside my house but a bit heavier and I didn't like it. Tim did and that's partly the reason why I didn't stop him. I showed no sign that I didn't enjoy the kissing. In fact, I kissed him back, smiled etc. And I shouldn't have done that. I should tell him immediately to stop.

So, after praying, I phoned Tim and explained my feelings. It went well! He totally understood and thanked me for sharing with him. He also said that we need to be honest with one another. And we agreed that should one of us not be in the mood for visiting or kissing, that we would say so and then the other person will love enough to respect that one's feelings and understand. Once again, another bridge crossed, another level reached.

As for the physical side, we're moving too fast. Tim says we haven't crossed the boundary line and I realize it's true... but we are coming close and I would appreciate us being more careful.

One Major Thing to note is that Timothy was genuinely kissing me out of love and not lust. And I see this is possible (even for guys :) I have had a very bad unfair mindset that guys (even Christians) cannot control their sexual urges and any physical intimacy stems from lust and helpless hormones. Tim showed me and later explained to me that last night's physical affection was the outward manifestation of the heart of true love he has for me. And the love he was feeling from me was selfless, sacrificial love. And I confirmed that. I might not have felt like kissing but I did anyway.

But I won't again!